After reading my most recent blog entry, I realized that my journey in the empty darkness was the journey of my ego. My ego keeps me tied into feeling alone and afraid and ironically, fearful of being alone and afraid. To make myself more visible, as writing in this blog requires, I risk being rejected for my words, shunned by my peers. Yet still I write with the intention of connecting with others, hoping that my words will resonate with some of you. Yes, we are in this crazy life together. Different details, but the same triumphs, insights and struggles. That is what my ego cannot tolerate – the seemingly banality of having everything in common with everyone else. My ego believes that I can only be special in my woundedness and flaws. As a client told me once, ‘being grounded and healthy is so boring’. Hanging onto the wounds, though, keeps me separated and small. I am given guarantees with this approach, but the guarantees are founded in fear.
In my heart, I know that we are all made of the same spirit, but shine in our own jewelled aspects. I promise each one of you reading this blog that I will celebrate your unique lightness – always. Even my ego – I will love you but not always follow you into fear. That is the only vow I ever need to make – to you and to myself.
During a session with my naturopath lately, I described my deep fear as a purplish-black rock hurtling through the universe. A dark, cold universe that is completely empty except my little pock-marked stone. The feeling of isolation is unbearable, No light. No peace. No escape. Utterly alone. There is a kinetic force propelling me forward but to where? To more emptiness?
In envisioning this dark universe, I cannot help but feel its twin; that is, the universe filled with light. Where everything is connected. Where love illuminates within us all. I can feel this in my bones, but feel trapped in the emptiness.
Must I continue to fly through to the end of the darkness before I get to the light? I will let you know as I continue the journey. For now, I must find comfort in the force moving me forward, taking me home.
Today marks an important holiday in the nation of my other citizenship. Many people do not realize that I was born in the United States. Yes, I have lived in Canada for most of my life, but my soul still feels tied to the USA. I often feel an uneasy balance between the Canadian and American aspects of my self. Yet today, I feel emboldened to declare my love of America J What I love about America:
Generosity & Friendliness, a genuine interest in others (I always think of Canadians of being nice but not friendly, whether urban dwellers or rural residents)
Naïve belief in the absolute greatness of our nation, in the big concepts of liberty, patriotism, independence
Entrepenurial spirit in the seizing of opportunity and the pursuit of material happiness
The varied and vast natural beauty, from deserts to beaches to glaciers to forests
Even though I am well aware of the flaws and wounds of the USA, today I will leave them aside. Instead, I am in the mood to celebrate its lightness. I do think of the Americans I admire like Margaret Cho and Michael Moore. Despite their criticism of America, they remain living there. I wonder if they too feel the attraction of some of the qualities that I love. That is both the gift and curse of being rooted in such a place; to love it whole.