Crazy on the Outside

On my recent meditation retreat in Calidornia, I had a most embarassing yet liberating experience. On the third day, I was deeply relaxed into the retreat schedule. For most of the days, we alternated between periods of sitting and walking meditation. In the depth of one particular period of silent sitting meditation, I felt a wave of laughter surge through my heart. At first, I stifled the laugh by allowing it to shake through my torso. Soon enough, though, the shaking opened me to outright laughter. I left the meditation hall, to preserve the concentration of the my fellow retreatants. Luckily, I was surrounded by forest, so I easily found space to fully release into the laughter. Laughing at everything, absolutely everything. All the people I have felt angry with, all the painful memories of violence and trauma, all the attempts to appear ‘normal’ in the world, all the times I pushed people away to ‘protect’ myself, all the tears and suicidal urges, all the avoidance of what is, all the self-recrimination and hatred. At the end of my laughing fit, I fely utterly light and cleansed. I also felt crzt but finally in a good way. Crazy enough to let go of all that keeps me small and hidden. Yes!