So, as you can tell, I haven’t been posting blog entries for quite awhile. My absence has been less about finding time to write, than questioning whether I had something worthwhile to say. By diving into my Shadow and surviving a rather messy fight with a rather damaged part of my psyche, I made a small but significant win. I rediscovered a voice to write. Honestly, I am not sure where the voice will take me, but I am setting it down in a field of faith.
Isn’t it amazing that Shadow work has the potential to heal us all? In my work as a Reiki master, I accompany and encourage people to make their own subterranean journeys to unveil the treasures down there. Yes, it is scary work to begin. Maybe staying asleep is preferable. Leave the dogs of trauma to rest in perpetuity. But as the deaths and losses piled up in my life, I realized how little time we are given in our bodies and minds. So is it not worth accessing all the energies that lie within us, the light and the dark?
To be honest, I resisted the call of my Shadow. Blaming others, world events, astrological transits, omens and universal energies seemed a lot easier to do. I have literally spent hours doing visualizations, relinquishing mental obstacles to abundance, and bathing myself in the glow of the Vortex. And I really didn’t feel much of a difference. I would make tenuous gains that disintegrated in a second. And, delving into self-help work left me feeling broken, that I was somehow deeply deficient. Oh, the self-help world can be seductive while at the same time quietly admonishing us for our perceived flaws.
So I said screw the light. In a state of desperation, lying on my bedroom floor crying from my gut, I pleaded for help –from Spirit, the Universe, the Goddesses, whatever and whomever. The hushed voice replied “You are not screwed up. You are lost. Look within. Your answers are in the awkward places.”
What did that exactly mean? So I decided to skip yet another tour of my light and goodness; how worthy I was of love and abundance and ease. I took another turn, into the darkness, to look at what I try to hide from the world. My sense of victimhood, ugliness, greed, jealousy, envy.
And you know what? I discovered that I actually liked a lot of what I found in my Shadow. Indeed, much of it serves me to stay small and comfortable. I realized how feeling victimized helped me fell entitled and powerful. That feeling ugly encouraged me to stay safe and invisible. That feeling envious justified my laziness.
Being okay with the victim, the envy monster and ugliness actually led me to a big spiritual exhale. These dark aspects actually hold power. They are not the undoing of me, but if I can mine the reversed treasures in the Shadow, I will be even more authentic and powerful. (Insert a cartoon character of me flexing my biceps proudly!)
So, yay, for my Shadow! Say yes to feeling ugly … worthless … impoverished … generally screwed up. That is exactly where my power, authenticity, beauty, and yes, true happiness lies.
Where are the sticky places within you, where you stuff and suppress the parts of which you don’t approve? How are you excavating your Shadow to glean its treasures? Tell me. I’m listening.